Sunday, May 11, 2008

the wrong day to go back to church

I've been handling the loss of my dad quite well other than being exhausted. Well, no, I haven't been handling it at all. Our trip home for the memorial service was so much fun and so refreshing -- being at Bible Camp where we have so many great memories, seeing friends and family members, eating clam chowder, seeing the beach...

And then on the way home I was just plain exhausted. I felt a little grief mixed with annoyance and relief -- but mostly exhaustion.

But I didn't want to answer the "how are you" question fifty times, so I avoided our usual church service on Saturday and went to church today, completely forgetting that it was Mother's Day.

I waited four years for my first living child and I did not cope well with that waiting. During that time, I lost two babies as well as my own mother. So Mother's Day still carries a whole lot of baggage, and I hate the Mother's Day sermons. I think about how hurt the infertile ladies can be on Mother's Day, and the grieving daughters too.

So today was completely the wrong day to go back to church, being suddenly conscious that I am parentless. I concentrated on NOT crumpling up my bulletin and throwing it across the room, but eventually that was not enough to keep me from crying so I hid in the bathroom for awhile.

This afternoon a nap has lifted my mood a bit.

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